Discipline

Discipline is a hard thing to master especially self discipline. For some people it comes easier. For me it’s not so easy.

Once I could do it then became apathetic and kept asking myself the question “what is the point”.

What is the point of going to work, having a house, being in a relationship? Having children. the list is endless.

The only thing I have ever really been incredibly disciplined with is getting my kids organised. Sometimes I wasn’t very good at that either, especially the older two angels. I learned a lot of lessons with them on how not to do things. I tried to put these into practise with my third little angel. Which I did for a long time happiness reigned. Any obstacles I had her and I worked our way through them.

Then I became unhappy with my at the time partner I felt he did not respect me and so I lost my discipline.( among other personal traits that I had worked on and conquered) I felt disappointed at my self for allowing this to happen. It did not happen in a matter of days it was a slow downward spiral over approximately 2 years. It came to the junction where I was again asking myself what is the point?

I was so low again. Descended back into the darkness. The apathetic cloud of blackness went with me everywhere. Because it is a part of my brain. Very few knew of my private hell. People see what they want to see. And I didn’t have the energy or trust to tell others. I cannot ever deal with this thing on my own. The one person I needed to talk with would not talk with me-for whatever his reason. I don’t know. I didn’t even feel very close to God at this time. Even though I never stopped praying. Maybe I wasn’t praying for the correct reason. All it took was for one person to see me and that ignited the flame in my heart again. The flame to keep going..the flame to get up and take control. I was hiding behind excuses to justify the conditions in my head.

Self confidence returned and so did the desire to be disciplined. And once I started facing the thoughts head on again things started to change. I am still improving, my heart is healing. I have confidence again. I am worthy of this life. i am worthy of my children. I deserve great friends. I deserve to be loved properly. I deserve to be told both good and bad lovingly.

I hope I can find the answers quicker next time. I hope and pray that my next partner will have the ability and inclination to talk with me about whatever problem arises-so that life is lead wholly and as abundantly as I can each and every day. Always working through any tribulations with grace and appreciation for the lessons learned.