Nothing changes if nothing changes.

NOTHING

CHANGES

IF

NOTHING

CHANGES!!

This proverb has been on my mind for many a year now. I took it to mean. If I want things to change, to be different, to be better, then I have to make some changes within.

Harder said than done. But it has to happen. I had to be very disciplined to make the changes necessary to be happier. I started slowly as it takes time to be different, to break the habits. I had to choose the change I wanted most and concentrate on it solely for 30 days. Some took quite a bit longer to change. Some I am still working on. Sometimes I felt/feel like giving up because it’s so easy to fall back into familiar habits and I got disheartened easily. But I think the success came/comes when I never totally gave/give up.

Stop sometimes, regress if you must. But never Ever give up totally. Regroup and rest for a while-come back stronger and refreshed. Attack the challenging behaviour or thought process with renewed vigour. Sometimes it is better to attack from a different side. Or break it down into smaller parts. Attack each one. The thing is to find out what works for you and stick with it. Try everything even if it sounds silly or stupid. It may just work if it doesn’t then what have you lost?

When you come to a block(I call them now)or a brick wall,(as I called them because sometimes they felt impenetrable), find someone who hears you.

Words were hard to find. I felt lost and alone in these times. It’s sad to think I could not remember that I had family or friends who could help. “But I don’t want to burden them”. “They done t want to hear from me all the time”. “They don’t know what is going on”. “They don’t want to know what is going on”. “They are too buzy”. “They don’t really like me anyway”. And many more ‘excuses’ I allowed my mind to say to me therefore I didn’t get the help I needed or So desperately wanted.

Do not be afraid to reach out!! Some do not understand what you are going through. I called lifeline many a time just to chat. But family can chat about their life too. Sometimes it’s just breaking your monotonous routine that gets you through. You can’t just sit there and wallow. Which is what I did without even realising it. I just couldn’t see it. My mind was so blurred by pain especially in the darkest months. I felt I had nowhere to turn. Lost in the proverbial fog. The brick wall closed in all around me. Fog so thick I couldn’t see the brick wall. Black and lost. There was “No hope for me”.(another thought process I needed to change). After a while I didn’t care I couldn’t get out. I wanted out……..death was the only option.

I was seeing my doctor a lot in these days. He advised me to take anti depressants. I always said no. As the stigma was too strong with me. “I am not weak”. “what will others say” “it’s just drugs” etc.

Eventually I gave into my doctor. He put me on the lowest dose possible. What type is not important because that one may not work for everybody.

I am so thankful he did.

I am now off them. And my brain is functional. I very rarely get the dark thoughts. When I do I can navigate past them.

They were my crutch in a time of desperate need. They gave me reprieve for A short time. They seemed to slow the world down so I could learn to retrain my brain. I needed time. I was so fortunate my doctor listened to me. He heard my silent scream. And I think above all – I let him help. I no longer had to do it on my own. That was a relief in itself. Trying to do it on your own is impossible.

It is ok to ask for help too.